Word Count: 2429
Summary: Memories, celebrations and getting past it all.
AN: the blue text is quoted directly from an episode of Buffy!
Remus sat on his bed looking at the day planner he'd gotten from his mother. It was a two year calendar that started January 1st, 1976. Remus looked at the calendar and sighed. It was April 2nd, 1977. He'd survived his sixth April Fools day as a Marauder. He turned the page and froze. There, in large black letters sprawled across the page for April 3rd, read the words "The Moony and Padfoot Official One Year Anniversary EXTRAVAGANZA!!!" Remus couldn't move. He remembered when Sirius had written that. It had been on there one month anniversary.
"Morning, Moony," Sirius whispered into Remus' ear, eliciting a large grin. "Do you know what today is?"
"Hmm…" Remus smiled, feigning forgetfulness. "What could today be?"
"Mean Moony," Sirius said, lightly slapping Remus' belly while trying, unsuccessfully, to feign annoyance. The slap turned into a caress and the fake pout quickly turned into a grin.
"Could it possibly be the date that my devastatingly sexy boyfriend has been counting down to for the past week and a half?" Remus stated as Sirius began nibbling his collarbone.
"Perhaps," Sirius stated, pausing to speak before moving from Remus' collarbone to that spot just below Remus' ear that always makes him do that growly moan thing that Sirius loves.
"Happy One Month Anniversary, Pads."
"I've never been in a relationship that lasted a full month."
"You've never been in a relationship that lasted more than a week!"
"Well, you're different. You're better. You're Moony!"
Remus blushed a little and just kept grinning.
"Get up, Moony. You need to get ready." Sirius jumped off the bed and began rummaging for clothes in Remus' trunk.
"I don't want to go to class. It's my anniversary!"
Sirius turned back to his boyfriend with a look of complete and utter shock. "Remus John Moonikins Lupin! Do you honestly think I would allow you in a single classroom or library or institutions where there are books on our anniversary?!?!"
Twenty minutes later the two boys were running through the outskirts of the forbidden forest, periodically pausing to snog one another. It was a beautiful May morning filled with sunshine, chirping birds, blooming flowers and all that other romantically poetic stuff that belongs to May and being in love.
"Sirius," Moony said quietly as another snogging session was giving away to more boyish running. "I just want you to know that I can't think of a better way to spend a day."
Sirius turned and smiled rakishly at his boyfriend. "Just wait and see what I have planned for our one year anniversary."
Remus stopped in his tracks. "You think we'll be together for a year?"
"Don't you want to be?" Sirius' grin had vanished in a blink and was now replaced with a worried frown.
"Merlin, yes! Of course I want to be with you in a year and forever after that, but you're you! You will, obviously, eventually realize you've been dating a skinny, ugly, boring werewolf and will go off and find someone else."
Moony had barely finished his tirade before he was slammed up against the nearest tree with an angry looking Sirius Black pinning him there and staring directly into his eyes. "Moony, you are a fit, beautiful, brilliantly exciting boy. I want to spend a year with you. I want to spend a million years with you. I don't want to spend anytime without you. I lo… I love you!"
Remus blushed under Sirius' intense stare but didn't look away. "You really love me?" When Sirius nodded, Remus wrapped his arms around his boyfriend and kissed him soundly. "I love you too Padfoot."
"Let me see your planner," Sirius asked. Remus gave him a confused look. Sirius reached into Remus' back pocket and pulled the planner out. "Silly boy pretending you don't carry this everywhere." Sirius pulled out a quill and his wand. A few minutes later after much scribbling, wand waving and page turning, Sirius handed the planner back.
On the page of May 3rd 1976 Sirius had written, "Moony and Padfoot One Month Anniversay. Both confessed their undying love to one another."
On the page of April 3rd 1977 Sirius had written, "The Moony and Padfoot Official One Year Anniversary EXTRAVAGANZA!!!"
"And they are spelled so you can't cross them out or alter them in any way!"
In September, after that night, Remus had tried to remove those entries from his planner, but Sirius had been right; they were not coming off.
Remus sat on his bed staring at the entry and remembering. He thought he had moved past all of this. He and Sirius could be in the same room again with only the barest hints of tension. Yet, every time he thought he was fine with where the world had lead him, he'd run across something like this and he'd find himself with a tear streaked face gasping for air as he drowned in the memories.
"Hey, Moony, you finish the Arithmancy homework. I was trying to help Wormy, but I think I just confused him more so I want to check and make sure I got it right."
Sirius and Remus locked eyes for a moment. "Moony, what's wrong. Why are you crying?" Remus ran from the room and locked himself in the bathroom. Sirius approached Remus' bed and saw what had caused the uncomfortable moment. He mentally cursed himself while fighting back his own tears.
Remus spent the rest of the day dreading the next. Luckily, Sirius was no where to be found. Remus went to bed curled in on himself and silently cried himself to sleep.
Remus woke up early the next morning. He was hoping to hide from Sirius all day, but Sirius was already gone. Remus took a deep breath and opened his planner again. He tried to rip April 3rd out of the book, but Sirius' spells were too good. He was about to toss the whole damned thing into the fire when he felt a familiar pull behind his navel and new before he landed that this was part of Sirius' grand anniversary plans.
He landed in a room at the Three Broomsticks. The bed was strewn with rose petals and there were scented candles making the room smell spicy and enticing. There were bowls of chocolates and strawberries and whipped cream. Remus would have melted in pure romantic ecstasy if he weren't so furious at Sirius for not canceling these plans after…
"It was too late to cancel everything when… everything happened. I guess I was just hoping that maybe you'd want to be here when the day came." Sirius was standing by the door looking nervous.
Remus turned a scowl on him. "For Merlin's sake, Sirius. How could you do this to me?" Remus felt like he was about to explode. He was furious and achingly sad and all he wanted to do was be able to want to fall into that bed with Sirius and let the pain drain away.
Sirius' eyes clouded with tears as he watched the emotions play across Remus' face. "Can't we just go back to this, back to where we were? Do you really still hate me that much?"
Remus shook his head in exasperation. He looked Sirius in the eyes. "You still don't get it, do you? This hurts because I can't hate you. I've never stopped loving you. That's where the pain comes from!" Remus turned and left Sirius staring blankly after him.
Remus walked back to the castle cursing the perfect spring weather. Didn't the world know it should be pouring down rain for this walk? Remus was in no mood to have twittering blue birds attempting to cheer him up.
He spent the rest of the day numb. He barely noticed anything or anyone around him.
Remus was going to skip dinner and go straight to bed after classes. He arrived in his room to discover a note on his bed. It simply said, "Sorry." There was no signature, but there was no question about who it was from. Remus sighed; he knew he needed to actually talk to Sirius. They hadn't had an actual conversation since that night.
He grabbed the map from James' nightstand and quickly said the password. He found Sirius' name in the Astronomy Tower and was surprised to find he wasn't alone. He was there with Lily!
Sirius stared at the door Remus had left through, gaping. He was frozen to his spot for several minutes before he began throwing his tantrum. He threw the bowls with the sexy snacks all over the room, making a gigantic mess.
"Fuck Moony!!! I don't get you!" Sirius dropped to his knees panting and fighting back his tears.
When he'd composed himself and fixed the room, Sirius headed back to the castle. He left a piece of parchment on Remus' bed that said "Sorry" and left the dorm with no intentions of returning that night. He spent the day hiding from everyone. He was successful until just before dinner when Lily grabbed his collar and slammed him into a wall. "What the bloody hell did you do to Remus this time?"
"Piss off, Evans! I'm not in the mood for the queen of Gryffindor to explain what an arse I am right now."
"Too bloody bad, Black. Remus is my friend and he has that broken look again. I want to know what brought it back!"
"Listen, I get it! I can never make it better. I'm a complete wanker and it's all my fault, but wankers have some fucking feelings too! Wankers can have broken hearts just as much as sweet boys with pretty golden eyes!" Sirius growled at Lily before storming through the nearest door. The stairs startled him for a moment, but he collected himself and stormed up to the Astronomy Tower. Lily followed closely on his heels. She laid a hand on his shoulder and could feel him trembling beneath her touch. Sirius had been fighting back tears too much in the last twenty-four hours; they came exploding from his eyes before he could stop them. Lily wrapped her arms around him and let him sob into her shoulder. This was definitely a first. Sirius was not a vulnerable person. This was what Remus found when he peeked through the door. He didn't move in and break the peace, he just watched.
"Sirius, what's wrong?" Lily asked when Sirius finally calmed enough.
Sirius took a deep breath and pulled away from Lily. He sat down on the bench by the door and sighed. "It's our anniversary today." Sirius made a sound that landed somewhere between a sob and a chuckle. "If I hadn't been the world's biggest prat, Moony and I'd be celebrating our one year anniversary."
"Sirius, these things take time. Remus may still come around. If he loves you…"
"He says he does, but I don't know anymore. All the love is just buried by all the hurt I caused. I don't think I could ever love me again if I were Remus. I guess, I just hoped that he'd see through it all, like he did in the beginning."
"What do you mean 'like he did in the beginning'? I wasn't aware that you betrayed him before this."
"I didn't, but I was a mess. Prior to realizing I was in love with Remus, I made a point of snogging every bird that held still to prove that I wasn't queer. I even called him a shirt-lifter once. I've always been a bastard, and, yet, Moony seemed to see through it and love me despite it all. I guess I just pushed it too far. I know I'll never be able to get over him. It'll kill me, but I hope he can move on and be happy again. He needs to be happy."
Remus was crying, again. "Lily," he squeaked, causing both Lily and Sirius to jump. "Can I talk to Sirius alone for a minute?"
"Sure." Lily gave both boys a sad smile as she left.
Remus and Sirius sat in an uncomfortable silence for several minutes before Remus actually began to speak. "You know it's not fair, right?"
"Lots of things aren't fair, Moony. Care to tell me which one you're talking about."
"You shouldn't have been the one to do it. The first person who I fell in love with should have broken me. Then you should have shown up and I'd know what real love was and I'd be healed. Unfortunately, you weren't just the first love, you were… and, well… are the only one."
"Moony, you don't…"
"No, I do! I need to do this. I can't be completely without you. The hole is too big. We should start over from the beginning. Picking up where we left off isn't a good idea."
"Moony, are you saying…"
"It's just so much to work through. Trust has to be built again, on both sides. We have to learn if we're even the same people we were. If we can fit in each others lives. It's a long important process and can't we just skip it? Ca... can you just be kissing me now?"
It took a second for Remus' words to sink through the fog of Sirius' mind and another for Sirius to close the distance between them, but then they were kissing, hungry desperate kisses. Hands were clutching on for dear life. Knees buckled and sent the boys sprawling on the stone floor with Remus on top straddling Sirius' hips and gasping into his chest. "I can't be without you anymore," Remus gasped. "I feel broken, like I'm only a piece of the old me! Fuck Sirius, I need you! Can't bloody live without you!"
Every nerve in Sirius' body was on fire. He was terrified he'd wake up from this beautiful dream any moment. Remus crushed their lips together again causing Sirius' head to connect with the stone floor, painfully. He let out a barking laugh when the stars cleared out of his eyes and Remus was still there. Sirius grabbed Remus' wrists, flipped them over and pinned Remus to the ground. Remus stared up at him, biting his lower lip. "Mine!" Sirius growled. "Never letting you go again." Sirius kissed Remus and bit the lip Remus had been nibbling as he pulled away.
"Happy Anniversary, Pads!" Remus whispered.
Both boys were caught in giggling sobs as the tension between them slipped away and they fell seamlessly into there old rhythm.